There is the ongoing debate, do people actually change? I think hell yes! This debate is always around relationships and whether one of them will ever stop doing this, or start doing that. You can’t really answer that, but what I do know is that the person you married can almost seem a completely different person after 10 years, maybe 5 years. I actually hope I’m always a different person in the future, if I stayed the way I was I wouldn’t be able to do what I need to, I’m bloody counting on change.
A chapter is coming to an end, university study for the last three years is finally ending, for both of us. We dove into the deep and are now resurfacing as two people who have changed in so many ways. I think now flying towards the 11th year of marriage I can have some authority in saying what marriage might be like.
I was talking to my mum in the car not too long ago and although I have done no research paper on it I brought up my idea that for most couples it ‘usually’ takes about 10 yrs for someone to really fuck up. Some people may only take one year, but usually I think things take time to really come out. It may only be one person to do it, but guaranteed the other person will have a turn at some point too, even if its after 20 yrs. When I say ‘fuck up’ I mean that the majority of people would call it a ‘deal breaker’. My mum and I discussed some of the obvious ones, in no particular order…
Sleeping with someone else
Drug and alcohol abuse
Big money screw up
Physical or emotional abuse
Now most people think, no way, I’d never do any of those things, maybe not. I believe most people separate because little things just built up, communication breaks down and so does other things. But the ones listed above are deal breakers in themselves for people, they need only happen over a short period of time to cause a lot of damage that people cannot usually handle.
We are getting so open with things these days, people talk openly about death, mental health, their sexual lives etc But we don’t truly tell people what happens when shit hits the fan in a marriage.
So when you lose it, when you screw up big time, you honestly think you really are mad. You think, this is what people are like on those Jerry Springer shows. And the only time you heard about a marriage going through some kind of difficulty was when it ended in a divorce. You never hear about all the marriages that went through this same shit but managed to stay together and be happy again.
I have heard on the family grape vine that back in the 60s or 70s one of my grandparents smashed their spouses car with a heavy tool of some sort. I thought this was hilarious. All my grandparents are still happily married.
You can love some one but not like them, and this can go on for a long time. I have a few other married couples in my life that say they don’t really argue. My mind cannot comprehend that haha I think either you really are special or you just haven’t been together long enough yet, I think the latter. I guess some couples will read this and think, wow, what’s she going on about? But there will be those that go, yep, I know exactly what you mean.
I guess I can say that when I screwed up, and when I was difficult, I still wanted to be loved through it. To be loved just as I was. Even though all I did was lie in bed and demand a lot.
Moving on from my ‘people screw up” point…
Back to my original point – people change.
I have changed from the stay at home mum with no career interest, married to an aircraft mechanic. I really was the perfect housewife, no jokes. Now the sky is my limit in regards to possibilities for us as a family. I have so many ideas and dreams I cannot keep up with them all. Adrian and I look after the kids equally and cook equally. Because we both do equal amounts of uni and work. Although I still don’t know how to fix a car and he still hasn’t cleaned a bathroom more than once, but that’s fine with me. This has come about through many arguments over the last 3 years over who is or isn’t doing enough.
There was this one time when we were arguing that I realized and then said “You think your uni is more important than mine!”. And he admitted that that was true. And very quickly we realized that everything had changed, we were both as important as each other. Each of our dreams were important.
My husband has changed into an amazing house husband and an educated man of university who has blown me away with his abilities to change careers, write essays and care gently for elderly people.
Once our roles were so different and our future almost predictable. Now I can’t even tell you anything close to where we may be and what we may do in 5 years time. I think of the title of my blog, Wilderness Calling, definitely not chosen by accident. The more we enter into unknown territory the more space we have to dream.
It’s okay if your marriage gets messy, if you feel like a crazy person, and your pretty sure your kids heard you yelling. Its okay, its not nice, it never feels nice, but it can be okay. Sometimes love doesn’t fix things how we would like it, but it can sometimes be enough to pull you through. And when you do come though, you may have seen each other in a whole new light that may have shocked you, but you can learn to embrace them again over time.
Change comes though tough times and something really different, and amazing can be on the other side! If you can survive the wilderness you can do anything together!
Thankyou Adrian for the last three years xox WE DID IT