I remember sitting in a bath tub in the early hours of the morning and he had me, a girl who had every opportunity given to her, the upbringing that no one could match, the perfect family, the perfect life, and he had me, almost. Feeling like I had no one to call because I was so ashamed of my situation, of how I felt, how dare I feel like this! You selfish girl, how dare you feel so low when you were given so much.
I was given so much, so I could give so much. I want to give so much.
She attacks by ambush. One famous female tiger, defended her cubs from a human, after her taste for the rival she is thought to of fed exclusively on humans and is responsible for killing over 400 people. I’ve seen a tiger in the wild in India, I cried, I knew I would. She was ‘oh my goodness’ beautiful. She walked alone, she strode though the golden grass baring her front teeth. Her roar is not used to scare animals but to communicate with other tigers, she has her own territory, tigers do not live together, and the markings on her head resemble the Chinese symbol for King. And did you know, female tigers are only fertile 4-5 days a year? In those days they mate profusely.
“Don’t lose your grip on the dreams of the past, you must fight just to keep them alive… Hanging tough, staying hungry… it’s the eye of the tiger that’s the cream of the fight.” This is your song when your eye isn’t as sharp, when your distractions are taking over and your actually wondering what the heck you are even doing. It’s time to get hungry, it’s time to rise up to the challenge of your rival.
This last year I’ve found that, that push, that passion has been run thin. I haven’t lost my goal, it is one of the ONLY things that has kept me from falling apart. That picture of Adrian and I in our graduation gowns, together. Just a nurse and midwife, ready. Yes I have considered the fact that we will have graduation ceremonies possible months apart, I don’t care, I will make it work. That photo is my focus point. It’s not impossible. I hope so much that I can, with you along side me, take us there, to that post with that photo on it.
I’ve tasted my rival, I cannot match him, I cannot be the woman I need to be if I walk alone. And although I go out on my own, striding through the golden grass, I have the markings of a King, I belong to him and he lives in me. My rival tried to blacken out my joy, my passion, my confidence.
I fall so far off the way that protects me. I’ve been so angry I cannot even bring myself to listen to a Jesus song. Why am I angry? Cause I expect so much, of myself, of my God. And obviously I let myself down, people let you down, but God isn’t supposed to let you down. He doesn’t, but I perceive that he does. I was the girl that thought he would speak to me verbally, that I’d have the faith and authority to heal sickness and disease. I tired and tried, multiple times. When I’ve been at my lowest, once when I was a teenager and another just recently, I’ve begged for something, anything, something to feel, see or hear. Both times, nothing. I’ve prayed insistently for many, many things, good things, noble things, help for others, there was no great statistics for success. In fact I started to avoid praying for people, especially women in labour, cause it got to the point where my prayers seemed to ensure the worst happened. For anyone reading this that doesn’t get it, I may be confirming to you that Christians are crazy, yes we are, but so is everybody else. Nobody wants to talk about the disappointments, the reality of some of the difficult things that come with being a long term christian.
“I’m not satisfied doing it my own way, I’m not satisfied to have the form but not the power.” (Hillsong, Believe).
This hasn’t changed my faith, I have come to the conclusion, that whatever he does with me is for a reason. He speaks to me in ways, usually completely outside the normal, sometimes in dreams, they are usually the most powerful, often through art, music and nature. You have probably noticed these things in my posts. I look at my life and I see him in everything, but I feel like he has always been at a distance, or not as close as I thought he would be. Maybe I expected something really different, perhaps it came with being brought up in a period when the church had a huge emphasis on the “supernatural” and anything, absolutely anything was possible. It still is. Maybe not for everyone at every moment in history. You can’t argue with that? God’s not going to bring back to life everyone that dies, that you pray for, just cause you want him to.
There is one thing that I can say God has consistently answered with, money. I couldn’t pray my gestational diabetes away for my 3rd pregnancy and save myself daily needles, and perhaps secure a nice birth environment in a “low risk” centre, but I’ve always had money. Well I guess I’ll take the money then.
Only 1 in 10 tiger hunts are successful, but she keeps hunting because she is hungry. In fact she keeps waiting, because she attacks by ambush.
Just when your rival thinks your about to starve to death, in your waiting you have grown even more deadly, more focused, you’ve got the eye of the tiger.
She pounces, there is a rough tumble in the long grass, her rival is now her prey and she ravages herself on him.