A missed anniversary

I saw and felt a lot that day, I was already tired from finishing at 2am the shift before, and the day was fueled on coffee and hope of something positive occurring. Actually, I can’t even recall what exactly happened that day, or which day it was, the whole week blended into one event. I do know we said ‘happy anniversary’ at about 5:45am on the correct day, and he made me a coffee.

The day was full of placement on birth suite. Outside I was busy, trying to keep calm, trying to be helpful, trying to facilitate my learning, being as woman centered as possible. On the inside I was struggling with confronting realizations I had experienced that week, in and out of placement. Three sick kids at home, a husband studying for exams the next week, sleep deprivation, I’m just trying to keep everything afloat!

I watched a woman blow me away though that day. She just blew me away, unexpectedly. My week full of emotional downs was blown away for the entire day I watched her. I know I told her repeatedly how amazing she was, but I still wish I could tell her again, she was so strong and beautiful in the glory of her birth and it’s process. And I felt so comfortable looking after her. Its these moments that remind me that the midwifery philosophy, of birth as a normal physiological process is not a fantasy. Sometimes I get to see it all unfold just as it should, and it’s breathtaking.

kissing

To my childhood love, my first, my last, I still believe in forever, it’s not a fantasy for the young and naive. You told 13 yr old me at a school fete you wanted me, and I wanted you too. We are both absolutely mad, and anyone who really knows us, knows we work hard non stop at our relationship. I swear I think, surely one day we will reach a point where we have debated/argued every topic and situation known to man! Maybe when we are in our 80’s?

The one thing I know is that we are mad for each other, I look at you every day and think “I’m so glad I get to go to bed with him every night” and I know you are the same. Thank you for holding the fort for me while I follow my dream, for cooking all the dinners, packing all the lunches, keeping the kids quiet so I can sleep, and making me mojitos at my request, and thanks for telling me off when I’m winging too much.

I’m sorry when I keep prodding at you, when all you need is space, but all I need is touch. The sad nights we have spent with our backs to each other, how much does every hour without each other hurt? How much can love hurt.

Yet through each struggle, over each side of the never ending mountains, we are closer, having seen a glimpse of an uncovered depth of the other, lightness, darkness, insecurity, strength. When we pull back the layers and hit the rock bottom of whatever it is, truth is there. It’s rarely about the simple thing it first appears to be about, maybe we are really good at getting to the bottom of things… leaving no stone unturned. You’ve seen me stripped down to the bone, seen all my wrong and right, seen me ugly and beautiful.

Every time I gave birth, every time a new pregnancy stretched my skin, my breasts, my butt just that bit more, you just said I looked more beautiful. You never compliment me when my face is heavy with makeup, when I’m adorned in my frocks and jewels, you call me sexy when I wake up. I never believe you.

It has only been recently that I have really understood this, that I can do anything, endure anything, survive anything when you and I are right. I just need to wake up, walk out of my room and see you smile at me from the kitchen, while you put the kettle on and squeeze my bum. Throw anything at me that day, I can take it.

“I don’t really need to look very much further, I don’t want have to go where you won’t follow. I won’t hold it back again, this passion inside, can’t run from myself, there’s nowhere to hide. Don’t make me close one more door I don’t want to hurt anymore, stay in my arms if you dare or must I imagine you there. Don’t walk away from me! I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you.”

Whitney Houston, I Have Nothing.

Happy 9 yr wedding anniversary Adrian. xx

And to those breaking down walls, fighting with love and passion, and loving with even more of that passion, I understand, it’s tiring, it’s so much work! Love is so much work!

broche

 

 

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