Bad, ugly days


It’s day two of school holidays, it’s raining, I hate rain, the kids are feral and I’m trying to write the most important essay of the semester. My midwifery antenatal essay. All the other essays about sociology and ‘fill in the degree’ crap I care not for, but I want a good mark for this one, this is actually what I’m here to learn. This is my second full day on it and I’m swimming in journal articles, I have a thousand tabs opened up and I don’t care how big the word count it it’s not nearly big enough to cover even a quarter on what the booking in appointment covers.

I tried to cram in some cleaning early in the morning so I’d feel more relaxed sitting at my computer all day, however it only seemed to make me realize how filthy my house was. Your kidding yourself Jess if you think 1 hour of cleaning will make any difference. Outside my room my kids have found some painfully irritating Easter soundtrack on you tube and are in the process of redecorating for an ‘Easter Party”, then they found a garbage bag and rolled around in that for about half an hour. They keep coming in to my room, I don’t know what they expect me to do, can’t they see, I’m writing an essay all day!! Oh that’s right, they need food and water.

It’s usually once a month that the world ends for me, if you get what I mean, and today was that day. My mind just says, that’s it, you can’t handle uni, you can’t handle your kids, your pretty much the worst christian out there ( I don’t know why that always comes up on these days), you think you can change the world? You can’t even make this one day work for you. So I closed my laptop, nothing good can be written about antenatal screening when your feeling like this. I’m well aware of what I’m like and I don’t take these days to seriously, they are what they are, shit.

I really just wanted some chocolate cake but I didn’t want to make it, that takes to long and I just wanted it in my mouth. I looked at my bank balance… 0.26 cents, your not helping me bank. And a bath with lavender oil would of been good too, but I’ve run out of my lavender. Whoa is me 😦

Later that day I took some cash out of the savings (it’s an emergency situation). I bought cake, two cakes and found a cute bottle of kefir, probiotic milk, I was starting to feel happier already. It really doesn’t take much for me.

Actually my essay doesn’t look that bad now that I look at it, and the house is fine too, I guess the kids are okay as well.

I found a new song on the way home from buying groceries “Follow Me” Tkay Maidza and I played that while I made dinner. I sat out on my verandah, breathed in the rain that I hate so much, the cool breeze. I closed my eyes and I told God that I was always his, no matter what I did or where I went, I was solid to the day I died. I get caught up thinking that a christian has to look a certain way, and I look very different to that alot of the time, but deep down I know that notion is man made, my heart is all that matters to him and it’s actually all that matters to people.

For my Dad, the greatest christian I’ve ever known, and you don’t fit the mold, just like me. Your heart is gold.  x


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