The wilderness is where I have been lost at times, on the other hand its where I have found him. Queen Katherine, Henry the 8th’s first wife said this, and although I don’t advocate for always being sorrowful I do understand this quote, “If I had to choose between extreme sorrow and extreme happiness, I would always choose sorrow, for when you are happy you forget about spiritual things, you forget about God.But in your sorrow, He is always with you.” Isn’t that incredible? This lady went through much sorrow, being cast aside for another woman, till the day she died she held on to the belief that she was the true queen of England and the true wife of Henry. Her faith never faltered.
When everything is going smooth and I’m within safe boundaries, familiar settings, places I know I can control and master I have no real need to hang on to my faith, I often am not connecting into the spirits promptings and find myself usually filling in my time with projects that seem exciting or I obsess about stuff that really doesn’t help anyone and is actually just a great way for me to keep distracted.
Everytime in my life when I have entered into a place where I don’t see boundaries, where I can’t see how things will work out, when I’m literally jumping into the deep end… That’s when all of a sudden I’m like “Holy crap! There is NO WAY I can manage this on my own.” All of sudden my faith kicks in and I hang on to it for dear life sometimes, I take every opportunity, every prompting seriously and act on it, cause I never know where its going to lead me. In fact that’s the kind of wilderness you want to be in. If I can see how everything is going to work out, I don’t need faith, I know I can do it myself. And I’m a reasonably clever girl.
The three deep wilderness’s I’ve entered so far have been firstly when I wanted to fall pregnant for the first time. It took 10 long months! And yep that made me crumble to my knees and go straight to God with negotiations, consultations and many many hysterical conversations with him…. I fell pregnant finally, and if it had just happened that first month I would never have had to run to him, cause I would of just done it on my own. And now I have this wonderful empathy for women when they don’t fall pregnant at the drop of a hat.
The second time was when I became a mother, I could not see how I was going to manage and I clung onto faith many times for years as I built my family. I was out of my depth, so deep into things I could not manage alone. I called he came, everytime.
The third time is now as I wade deeper and deeper into my Bachelor of Midwifery degree. I hang on to him EVERYDAY. As new things come up and Im feeling like a massive wave is about to hit me, I hang on. And most of the time things turn out not as bad as I thought they were going to be. You should of seen me before the 1st semester started! I was a mess, terrified and I just said “God I know deep in my heart your with me on this, show me your with me, make a path for me when things seem impossible, I’ll take it.”
So far he has carried me through and continues to open up doors for me, brings people into my life, ignites passions and dreams within me. And again, I don’t know how it will all fit together, my dreams seem so far from where I am, so far from what Ive known.
This wilderness, this deep, its where I find him and where I find me. I thought for so long the big dreamer girl had died but now I know she lives. I think God knew that if he gave me the dream a few years ago I couldn’t of done it, and it would have frustrated me. He told me again and again to just keep doing what I was doing, being a mum and focusing on that. I had this lady pray over me once and she said I was like a fetus haha just being made inside a womb, not ready to do anything yet, just being formed (how ironic now that I’m studying midwifery). That was the message I just got continuously for years. It was very hard to not have any other dream, but it was all in good time revealed to me. Sometimes we have to wait. And if we do then when its the right time it will happen in the most amazing way! Cause he’ll be with you on it! He will throw open those doors that were once shut, he will expand your capacity, you will be able to do things you NEVER thought you could do.
I hope I can spend my life being led through the beautiful wilderness, into unkown places, I hope I will become more relaxed about it as I still can get very stressed and anxious. I don’t want to wear myself out and waste precious energy on worrying, I do too much of it. I must throw it all at him, I do not need to know everything, I do not need to see everything, I do not need to control everything.